I have lots of time to think lately. I try to avoid it as much as possible but sometimes as the hours and days drag by I find myself stuck in a thought or idea with nothing to do but pursue it.
May 24, 2009
Before I had cancer. I was very good at avoiding such scary and difficult topics. It was too depressing to think of what it would be like if something like that ever happened to me or someone I loved. In fact I doubt I would even read a blog like this one unless it was someone I was very close to. Much easier to avoid such a sad topic. I compare it to an icy cold lake. I would walk near the water’s edge and maybe dip my toes in the cold water but I am not a very good swimmer so I would only swim near the shallow area where I can still touch the bottom. Never think of venturing out to the deep areas too distant from the safe shore. Well seven months ago someone came and threw me out in the middle of the lake. I spluttered and thrashed and doggy paddled trying to come to grips with this new reality and not drown in the overwhelming circumstances I have been thrown into. I am not superwoman and there are times when I come close to drowning in self pity. In fact today I made a list in my journal of all the things I have lost because of cancer. As my list grew the tears begin to flow. In fact, I think that lake is made of the tears I have cried over the last seven months. Sitting there looking at my list a thought came to me like a light bulb turning on. I wasn’t left alone in the deep waters of the lake. The Lord had thrown out some life preservers before I even got there. He had prepared some things in my life before cancer became my reality. I can look back and see things being orchestrated in a way that makes this journey more bearable. I think of the timing. If I had been diagnosed a year earlier, I would have been going through treatments during preparations for my sons marriage. I would have missed my daughters High school graduation. Because of the circumstances this year, my daughter was able to arrange her college schedule so she could help more at home. In September we moved our Martial Arts studio from a studio in our back yard to main street. Eventually making it easier to rearrange my preschool after my diagnosis. My oldest son has been able to help run the studio. I was able to hire a preschool teacher who would eventually count on the income when her husband lost his job several months later. Also for the first year ever, there is an assistant principal at the school where my husband is principal. Thereby lightening his load. And probably the biggest one is the fact that my Dr.- Dr. Tricot a top Myeloma Researcher and Specialist in the country moved from Arkansas to Huntsman a year and a half ago. Those are just a few examples of the little miracles or life preservers that were put in place before I even got thrown out in this lake. I am still out in the deep, and the water is still cold, but I have a life preserver and the Lord is watching out for me. I have to quite thrashing around so much and trust in the Lord. He has a plan for me and He makes preparations on my behalf before I am even aware of it. I am a terrible swimmer and a slow learner. I am sure there will be days ahead where I will still be doggy paddlin’ and “cryin’ a river” in my cold lake, but for today I am going to make another list in my journal of some of the life preservers I have been given and practice the back stroke.