Speaking to Me

My reprieve from chemotherapy, IV's, transfusions, lab work, etc. for the past two months is quickly coming to an end far too quickly. Although I have not had to deal with the daily physical treatments involved (but a few strange side effects); I have had to deal with the equally challenging mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of this journey. Am I learning the lessons I am supposed to learn? Am I strong enough and prepared physically and mentally for this second round of chemo and a stem cell transplant? Is it working? Is my family ready to do this all again? The questions are endless and my emotions are riding a rollercoaster. My children can tell I am getting stronger because I am on top of checking on the chores and homework. I just feel such an urgency to prepare them for the next two months when I am not avaliable to keep things running. I even sorted the dreaded sock basket! Saturday evening I was able to attend the Adult sessions of our Stake Conference. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland spoke. It was so good! I felt like he was speaking directly to me. He titled his talk, "Hard Times" A few of the highlights were; *We are part of the plan that begin before the earth was formed. *God Lives and Loves each one of us. We are His children. *He knows the beginning from the end. *When hard times come don't bale out in the 2nd act. *Don't Panic. Broken things can be fixed. *Broken clouds bring rain and rain brings flowers. *God loves broken things. He can fix them. He loves broken hearts. He can fix them. I knew and believed in my heart before that these things were true, but it was so wonderful to hear them spoken so eloquently from an Apostle of the Lord. I am ever-so-slowly learning to replace the fear with faith and pray daily to do so. Elder Holland's closing remarks were, "We all must learn to replace fear with faith in our Heavenly Father and His plan for us." Once again he was speaking to me!

Nappy Days

Just an update. I am continuing to get stronger and regaining my health. I ran a few errands with my daughter Saturday morning before the crowds started shopping then came home and took a nap. Sunday I went to an hour of church. Went late and left early- then came home and took a nap. It is so nice to get out of "my bubble" once in a while. I have two more weeks at home then head up to Huntsman for tests on the 30th and the games begin again!

Fourteen, Yikes!

My son Trent turned fourteen yesterday. Wow where did the time go! It seemed just yesterday that this beautiful, small, brown -eyed boy joined our family. He has always been an easygoing, content, happy kid. Great things come in small packages and Trent fits this description. He is a serious thinker, a great wrestler. (He took 4th place in Jr. State Wrestling Championships.) a Black Belt in Martial Arts. A good student (when he gets all his work turned in!) and two merit badges away from being an eagle scout. Okay so I had to brag. Trent has a wonderful imagination. He has edited and produced several movies for school. He is trying his hand at claymation right now and has made a whole little world of clay figures. He never ceases to amaze me with his patience for detail and his ingenuity. He is having a party in our studio right now. This is a building we have behind our home. It has been a karate studio and is now used as a preschool. It comes in handy for the kids to have friends over. One of the hardest things about being sick right now is not being able to be involved in some of the details of my kids lives. I'm usually the one who would have shopped for the birthday presents, made the cake, planned the party etc. This year, my husband and daughter have taken over-and done a great job, but it still hurts. Hopefully in time I will regain my energy and health and be able to enjoy and be involved in all the wonderful little details of motherhood. Happy Birthday Trent. I Love You!

Six weeks down

It has been six weeks since my first stem cell transplant and I am finally starting to feel a little energy and strength, Yeah! Just in time to enjoy some sunshine and the promise of Spring. I heard some birds chirping outside my window this morning and went on a walk the other day (before the wind started blowing around here.) On Saturday, Joe and I actually went on a date to Wallgreens to pick up prescriptions the first time I have been out of the house in weeks. I am still extemely germaphobic-Lysol and hand santizer continue to be my best friends. My goal now is to continue to regain my strength and prepare myself mentally and physically for the next transplant the first part of April. This has been quite the journey for our family. One that has brought many challenges but also many opportunities, experiences, and blessings. We have great hope for the future!

I am blessed

It was a long weekend. I have had a slight cold, some weird eye infection, and various other strange symptoms, but never did get a fever -thank goodness. However it did knock my energy level and my attitude back down. By Sunday morning I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. That afternoon my family came home from church and we ate a great dinner prepared by my great husband. After dinner we gathered around the livingroom and my husband and oldest son administered the sacrament and my 13 yr old son passed it to me. The sacrament has never meant so much to me as it did yesterday. As I listened to the words and the promises we make and those we recieve- to have His spirit with us, I felt very blessed! After the sacrament, my son, who holds the Melchezidek priesthood, the same priesthood held by Christ and then restored to Joseph Smith by Peter, James, and John, gave me a blessing. He spoke beautiful words of comfort, peace, and direction-words that came from a loving Heavenly Father. I felt very blessed! I am feeling much better today. Ready to start climbing that mountain again. I am not climbing alone. I have a wonderful family, many amazing friends and neighbors, prayer, and the power of the priesthood in my home. I am blessed!

I am Fortunate

My son brought a fortune cookie home for me today. My fortune said: "You will overcome difficult times."

Choosing the Better Part

I've always been a doer. You know the one who is in the background getting things done. Folding up the chairs after a meeting, Sewing 26 pioneer bonnets for the Youth pioneer trek, Clearing the dinner dishes as soon as a meal is finished. I tend to get caught up in the details of life. I'm a list maker. No fun shall be had until the house is clean. My how things have changed! As I lay in bed or shuffle around the house, I am trying to learn to ignore the little things. The dishes in the sink will eventually get done. The floor will eventually get swept. It's hard! My kids and husband have really pitched in. When we had our fifth child a friend told us we needed to lower our standards (on clutter) and have a sense of humor. Well that advice seems to fit perfectly right now. I guess it won't kill anyone that my 13 yr old son had ice cream for breakfast the other day and my ten year old went to church without any socks on. What matters is that I am here and can hug them as they go out the door to school, and talk to them when they get home. I am learning to put things in prospective. I have always been like the woman in the New Testament. Martha and I are so much alike. Like me she worried about the little things. In Luke 10:42, Jesus speaks of one thing being needful: “And Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.” Have I chosen what is good, lasting, and eternal? Have I separated the trivial from the important? I am learning, as I go, to decide how I use my limited energy and what I worry about. It is a long process. We can learn from Mary and Martha to prioritize our lives-to put the things that are most important first in our lives. May we each gain an eternal perspective in our everyday lives and choose the better part. Love, Kris

Play the Song "Keep Holding On" while you read this.

A couple of weeks ago as I moved back up to Centerville to began treatments, My husband gave me a box. On the outside was a note saying I was to wait to open it until I was really missing him. It only took a couple days; I couldn't wait anymore. Inside I found a small CD player with ear phones and a CD. A note, and the words to this song.We have been married for over twenty four years and my husband is always surprising me with candy, cards, and gifts. This is probably the most touching gift he has ever given me. He truly is my Knight in Shining Armour, My eternal companion, and my best friend.We are climbing this mountain together, just as we have lived, loved and raised our family. I could not do this without him! I know you will always be there to "fight and defend" for me and our family. All My Love, Kris

Two steps forward, One step back

It's been two steps forward and one step back the last several days. On Saturday I felt extremely achy, fatigued and developed a fever. We ended up going to the emergency room that evening where I was given some IV antibiotics then sent home. The next morning we headed up to Huntsman, They ran tests and could not find any signs of infection. We decided I needed to stay at my parents for a few days while I grew stronger. I went in today for a Dr. visit feeling much better and was given the clearance once again to go back home. Things could have been much worse and I feel blessed that whatever caused my fever left quickly. So tomorrow I will head back home and attempt once again to regain my health and strength. To take some time to rest and regroup before I start climbing the next mountain in this journey. Thanks Jill for the great quote! " If there is anything good to be said about cancer, anything at all, it is this: the battle to overcome the mental and physical harm being done is the ultimate wake-up call, the ultimate focusing lens, and the final impetus to prioritize life." Johnom

I'm Home!

After meeting with my doctor on Monday and finishing up some tests on Tuesday, I was given "clearance" to go home. It feels so good to be here with my family even though I am not up to doing much yet. My orders from my Doctor are to stay away from sick people and crowds, eat only cooked foods, exercise, and get myself as healthy as possible over the next two months so I can do it all again. In April I will have a second stem cell transplant. My posts might not come as often as I concentrate on getting myself healthy, regaining my strength, and enjoying my family and everyday life. Once again Thank you for all of your support.

Engraftment

I went in to Huntsman yesterday, after lab results came back, I was informed that my stem cells have engrafted. They are now working within the bone morrow, growing, and doing what they are supposed to. My body is slowly regaining strength. There are a few lingering side effects, but I feel extremely blessed to have gotten through this relatively easy compared to most of the other patients. I never did get a fever, or have to be admitted to the hospital I can feel myself starting to come out of the fog I have been in and I am able to think beyond the next hour or day. I meet with Dr. Tricot on Monday. He will access my lab results and then most likely give me permission to return to my home for two months. I am excited and relieved to have made it this far. I am also quite apprehensive. I thought when I got to the top of this mountain, I would be ecstatic and jumping for joy. I am finding that just like anything in life-When You reach a goal, life doesn't stop right there. (I will be happy when I graduate from college, get this new job, make a certain amount of money, etc.)Happiness does not come at the end of the journey, but along the way. Everyone of us are climbing mountains, dealing with challenges, facing disapointments, some through our own choices, others as a result of another's choice. How we deal with them as we go through them is just as important as overcoming them. I have learned so much as I have attempted to "Move this Mountain" but what I find now as I reach the top and look out over the horizon is that this is not one mountain standing alone. There is a whole mountain range ahead of me. This startled and shocked me as I first realized this. I have been so focused on getting through each day-thinking if I could just get to the top, I will be okay. This thought process is probably the only way I could have got through this, but now it is time to look ahead and realize that my challenge is no different than those facing all of us. The Lord did not just give us one trial in life and then a nice little valley to settle in for the rest of our life. He continues to give us opportunities to stretch and grow and then when we ask He helps us Move our Mountains one at a time. God has promised us that He will not desert us. The Prophet Isaiah speaks, "Fear thou not; for I am with thee; be not dismayed; for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the righteousness" (Isaiah 41:10) "For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying, unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee." (Isaiah 41:13) Each of us have unique trials and challenges. Through these the Lord gives us opportunities to stretch and grow. I just happen to have cancer which gives me time to examine my beliefs and study, learn and grow. May each of us turn to the Lord as he blesses us through our adversities.

Happy Birthday Jace

Happy Birthday Jace! Today my son turned seventeen! He has been a joy to have in our family. He has always been my superhero. When He was two and three he used to run around the house with nothing on but his underwear and a batman cape saying, "watch me mom, watch me." When he was fifteen he made a batman design out of duct tape and stuck on his bare chest. He layed out on the trampoline to get tan lines in the shape of batman. Jace is always keeping us entertained with his latest creation. Whether it be a new song he made up on the drums or the piano. A new design sprayed painted on a t-shirt or a new hair style. I tell him he is going to be the next Dick Clark (he says who's that!) He likes to hold dance parties in our studio in the back yard. He decorates the studio with lights and a disco ball and has his friends DJ. For Christmas he held a "Wear your Ugly Christmas Sweater Dance" He has a dance for his birthday tomorrow night. I wish I were there! Happy Birthday Jace, I love You!

Counting the Days

I am just finishing day eight. Yesterday-day seven was a difficult one. I spent most of the day at the hospital. I had a lot of stomach pain. After a CT scan and blood work they found I had an infection. So I am now on powerful IV antibiotics which I can administer to myself every 6 hours. My platelet count was also really low. A normal person has 100,00. Mine was at 10,000. So I was given a platelet infusion and saline for dehydration. Needless to say I was extremely weak, and could not even walk. I made it through the day and woke up this morning feeling a little better. Hopefully that was the low point. When I went for an appointment this morning, I walked into the waiting room with my mom and there was Joe! He came up to spend the day with me. What a great surprise. I was at the hospital again for six hours getting two blood transfusions and saline IV. It was wonderful to have Joe there with me, holding my hand as I keep on climbing this mountain.

Battle Zone

I am in a battle right now. Every inch, every cell of my body is at war. On the outside my bones and muscles are extremely weak. On the inside every fiber of my body is tight and fighting. The enemy of my enemies-chemo is killing the cancer and the foods and proteins it feeds on. There are casualties as I deal with side effects. Which I have been able to control so far. I am at day six a critical point where the stem cells should start engrafting and bringing new life to this tired body. I try to stay focused and positive. Taking it one hour at time. My mantra is "I am Young, I am strong, I am healthy."

Sunday Blessings

On Friday afternoon, I was able to come and spend the weekend with Kris and give her parents some time off. We are go grateful to them and so blessed to have them take care of her at this critial time in her life. Kris is very tired and weak today from the treatments and stem cell transplant. She has asked me to write on her blog and update it for her. A normal persons white cell count is 14 or higher. Yesterday, Kris' was at .14 which means she basically has no immune system. This will continue for the next several days. By this comming Thusday or Friday her white cell count will begin to increase as the stem cells go into her bones and begin to produce white blood cells. This is a very critical and dangerous time for her. We need all off our friends and family to pray extra for Kris this week. Today, as we went to the Huntsman center we passed several homeless people. We discussed how each of us has unique challenges and trials in life. We do not have to look very far to realize our blessings. We have each other and our childern who we love and cherish very much. They are a great light right now in our lives. We also great family members who have supported us in so many ways. The support from our friends has also been overwhelming and awesome. Thanks to everyone who has touched our family by bringing a meal or providing a ride or an act of kindness to our family. Heavenly Father can answer prayers through His agents here on earth. So many of our friends and family have been his messengers and agents for our family. Thank you. Now Kris was well enough to correct me and help edit this entry so she still has some fight in her. This sabbath day we want everyone to know that we have a firm testimony of the gospel and of our Heavenly Fathers plan. We are blessed in so many ways. Love, Joe and Kris

Day Three

Just finished up day three after my transplant. I am now staying in a Hotel 5 miles from the hospital. So far so good, I am just really weak. My immunities are almost down to zero so infections are big concern right now. Joe came up to spend the weekend and take care of me. I have been looking forward to him coming all week!

Thursday afternoon my daughter Mallory came up and spent the night with my mom and I at the hotel. It was refreshing to hear all about her life and times in college. We got in our PJs and watched a movie then slept in in the morning. She helped us pack up and move back to Centerville. She is an amazing person and a great strength to me at this time

Happy REBIRTH DAY!!

There they are 7 million of my stem cells.

Checking twice to make sure these stem cells belong to me.

Tuesday was a day of celebration. Our country was getting a new President. Many said it was a rebirth of our nation. And I was getting new stem cells to rebuild my body. As we watched the inauguration news on TV, I was hooked up to an IV. Several bags of Saline and my own stem cells were transfused back into my body. The process took several hours. After the stem cells are infused, the bloodstream carries them to the blood and marrow. The body's own chemical signals direct the stem cells to say there, where they start to produce new stem cells and blood cells. About a week after the transplant engraftment occurs. This is when the bone marrow makes new blood cells. Pretty amazing stuff. It is great to live in a time of such modern medicine and technology. I am told this next week will be one of the roughest as my body deals with the side effects of the chemo and begins to engraft the stem cells. I am already feeling pretty wiped out. But this was a day for celebration. As our new administration begins to rebuild our nation my body will be rebuilding too.

Celebrating the big Day.

Angels Among Us

It's Sunday and since I haven't gone to church for weeks now. It's time for my own devotional. It is hard at times to know what exactly to write on this blog or how deep and personal to get. This morning as I was praying about this, I was inspired to open up the Book of Mormon and read the first things my eyes turned to. I found the scripture 3 Nephi 7:18 It is talking about the unrest in the land, The Chief Judge is overthrown and Nephi begins to preach repentance to the people. "And it came to pass that they were angry with him, even because he had greater power, than they, for it were not possible that they could not disbelieve his words (now that's power!) for so great was his faith on the Lord Jesus Christ that angels did minister unto him daily. (Wouldn't that be wonderful) As I read this scripture I realized that I have been administered to by angels. When I was able to go back to my home a couple of weeks ago, Joe quickly made preparations for my return. My neighbors cleaned the carpets-Thanks Giles! and my friends cleaned my house-Thanks Melissa and Lettie! Joe washed all the bedding and put an old quilt I rarely use anymore on the bed. A few days later I woke up feeling really ill. Joe gave me a blessing as I sat in bed. In the blessing I was told that there were many people here to help me. Some from this side of the veil and some who had already left this earth. He had the distinct impression that my Grandmother who died 20 years ago was there with me. It was a beautiful blessing and I strongly felt the love of my Heavenly Father. After the blessing I opened my eyes and looked down on my bed I was covered with the quilt that my Grandmother had made for me for our wedding. It is old and worn and rarely used but I felt my grandmother's love wrapped around me and her spirit with me the rest of the day. My dear sweet Grandmother Rosella Mallory Crook is one of my angels watching over me. I truly believe each one of us have angels in our lives. Maybe we don't always notice them, but they are there. In October General Conference Jeffery R. Holland gave a talk Called "The Ministering of Angels." He speaks of times throughout the beginning with Adam and Eve when God has sent angels to minister to people. "usually such beings are not seen. Sometimes they are. But seen or unseen they are always near." Elder Holland also said, "I have spoken here of heavenly help, of angels dispatched to bless us in time of need. But when we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God, we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with--here, now, everyday. Some of them reside in our own neighborhoods. Some of them gave birth to us, and in my case, one of them consented to marry me. Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind." I am so blessed to have angels watching over me. Some from beyond the veil and many right here. Providing meals for my family, cleaning my house, carpooling my kids, sharing the twelve days of Christmas, emailing me with encouragement, calling me, sending me cards, gifts, and picking up the slack at home. Thank you! My Angels. Love Kris