I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR CANCER

I don't have time for cancer. 

(Actually my husband reminds me that I don't have active cancer-

it's in remission so I will re-phrase that... )   

  The treatments I am undergoing are terribly inconvenient right now.

I simply do not have time to be sick. 

 The lives of my children and the exciting things

 happening in my family distract me from

 dwelling on the incredibly steep mountain that I have been climbing

. 

The school projects, 

wrestling practices,

tournaments,  and 

School activities.

 

The family business,...

and plans for the future keep me too busy to dwell too much on the never-ending cycle of chemotherapy and fatigue, steroid bursts of energy followed by draining crashes, and exhausting side effects. 

  

  I used to feel sorry for myself that I had to get a rare 

cancer usually found in older men.  

That I had to deal with all of this while still raising a family.  

Now I am realizing that my situation actually  

helps me to fight harder,  

to strive to be an active part of my husband and children's lives, and to find joy in the simple day to day routines.  

   No matter how tired I am there are still people who need my attention and I need them.

So here is a peek at my life... as I look forward to some "peak" celebrations in my life!

Jace graduates from High School!                             Mallory is getting married in June!

and my son Tyler and his wife Dani are expecting their first baby..... and I am going to be a grandmother!!

I don't have time for cancer.  I am going through these treatments so I have time for life!

   

 

It's all in the Perspective

On my way to the hospital for my chemo and infusion parties, I drive past this sign.  It always makes me smile.

Are the Dog's bones smoked or the Bones for the dogs smoked???

I guess a lot of times how we view our experiences in life are determined by our perspective at that moment.  Going through this roller coaster of treatments over the last year and half  I have realized how huge cancer and the weapons used to fight it, affect the body, the mind, the spirit, and the emotions.  What you think affects how you feel, and what you feel physically affects how you think.  Your perspective has a huge impact on the rest of you. 

   Sometimes when I read the sign on the road, I just feel like stopping in for a tasty snack for my dogs.  At other times I can read the sign  and think of holding on to my dogs tight before they are caught by the mean butcher who is turning innocent dogs into tasty treats.  Okay it also makes me smile.

What I'm trying to say is all of us have challenges and experiences everyday that require us to react.  We can choose to limit our perspective to negative thoughts or we can choose to react with a positive attitude and find a way to learn from what we are experiencing.  

I am still learning. I have lots of practice and a long ways to go.  When I don't feel good this is tough.  Those are the times I can't think about the future, or my messy house, or what needs to be done on "My List."  Those are the times when I have to count my blessings and pray.  Thanking the Lord for my blessings and asking for an increase in courage and strength.  I always feel better.  No matter how I feel physically; I always feel better spiritually, mentally and emotionally after taking my burdens to the Lord and realizing the good in my life, and praying for others who are experiencing there own challenges and need the Lord's help.  It's amazing how that works.  It can change your perspective. 

  

Now I think my dogs need a tasty snack....mmm how about a smokey dog bone.

P.S.  Will someone please call and remind of this when I'm having a bad day?

One's first step in wisdom is to question everything - and one's last is to come to terms with everything.

Georg C. Lichtenburg

Happy Cancer Day

One year ago today I was diagnosed with cancer. This morning my husband wished me "Happy Cancer Day." Wow what a year! Who would have thought a year ago that: I could give myself a shot (a blood thinner) every night without even flinching. That I would lose all my hair... twice. That I would finally get down below my "goal weight".....and then gain it all back. That I can lay down during the morning, afternoon, and evening... and not fill guilty. That I can impress family and friends with a list a page long of all the medications I take. That I know more about cancer than anyone should have to. Who would have thought a year ago that I would even know what multiple myeloma is. Wow what a year! We celebrated by meeting with my Doctor at Huntsman. Last week I had an MRI, blood work, and another biopsy. Today we went over the results. Everything looks good and "my numbers" are where they are supposed to be. We celebrated by going to lunch. Maybe tomorrow I'll bake a cake.

PLenTy of NeW BeGinNinGs

   My kids are back in school.  I love this time of year.  There are plenty of new beginnings, fall weather, and high school football games.  

   Last week was an Open House for the elementary school.  I took my youngest son to meet his teacher and see his classroom.  We marched into his room and I proceeded to introduce myself to his 5th grade teacher.  I begin to explain that last year was a pretty tough year for our family and before I knew it I became a little emotional.  It was totally unexpected.  I had to take a few breaths before I could continue and explain the situation.  It didn't come out to clear and I ended up telling her I would email her with the details.  How do I explain how much I have worried about my son?

    This last school year as I was going through chemotherapy, two stem cell transplants, and living away from home for months at a time,  my husband and I were literally in "survival mode."I constantly worried about and prayed for my children.  I was the most concerned about Spencer my youngest.  He is my "baby."  He has a learning disability.  Central Auditory   Processing Disorder.  He can hear just fine but he has trouble processing information.  For example when he hears information about a horse he doesn't know whether to file it in his brain under horse or animal, or a form of transportation.  He had great teachers last year and he did make progress but it was hard to stay on top of things at home.

   I worry about all my kids.  A ten year old shouldn't have to worry about their mom.  He even asked me one time how long I was going to live.  I told him I am young, I have good Doctors, and I am doing everything I can possibly do so that I can be around as long as I can.   Probably till he is all grown up and has children of his own.  It was hard.

    I worry about my fourteen year old son.  This summer he went away for a week to summer camp.  Something must have happened up in the high Uintah Mountain air because when he came back his voice began cracking all the time.  My usual mild mannered boy occasionally turns into a monster unable to control his emotions.  This is not the best combination with a mom on chemo, and steriods.  I am learning that sometimes it is best to go in the other room and bite my tongue.  I love him and we are learning to enjoy the good times.

   I worry about my son Jace.  He is a senior at Maple Mountain High School.  A brand new school.  He is heavily involved in Student Council, Seminary Council, and Football.  I am just trying to keep track of him  at this point.  I just hope that he is making good choices.  Last year was pretty tough for him.  I felt so bad that I was unable to attend any of his wrestling matches.  I missed out on a lot.  

  I worry about my daughter Mallory.  No nineteen year old should have to drive their mother to the infusion room of the hospital and then watch as they administer chemo into her IV.  She had a pretty tough time last year.  She moved away from home to go to college.  Luckily it was only twenty minutes away from home.  She spent a lot of time back at home taking care of her younger brothers, shopping, taking care of their needs, and helping her dad.  She still managed to do well in school.

   I am finding that you never stop worrying about your children.  My oldest son is married, working and going to school.  His life with his wife just started when mine came crashing down.  I hope to be able to be more involved with them as my health improves.  

   I hope that through all of this my children have learned some valuable lessons that will have a positive impact on their lives.  That they have learned compassion, responsibility, and to rely more on their family.  That even though mom and dad won't always be there to listen to them, or solve their problems, they can always rely on God who listens and answers prayers in the way that is best.  That faith can replace the fear.  And that true happiness comes from making good choices  living a life with integrity, and doing your homework!

   So yes this past year has been pretty tough but it's time to move on.  Its time for new beginnings, beautiful fall weather, and a few good high school football games.

Middle of the Night

"It's 3am and I can't sleep standin' on the edge of something much too deep."                                                                                                Sarah McClachlan

Actually It's "Dex week"  This steriod messes with my nerves, sleep, and patience.  But it does crazy things to cancer cells and the proteins they live off of.  So my family puts up with me.

         

        In the middle of the night here is what I think.

We are all lined up in heaven watching earthly gifts being handed out as people leave for earth.  Up ahead someone says, "Who wants cancer?"  I mistakenly hear "who wants answers?" I jump up and down, raise my hand high in the air and say. "I do, I do, Give me a big one!"  

P. S.  My hair is growing back!