March 23, 2009

Speaking to Me

My reprieve from chemotherapy, IV's, transfusions, lab work, etc. for the past two months is quickly coming to an end far too quickly. Although I have not had to deal with the daily physical treatments involved (but a few strange side effects); I have had to deal with the equally challenging mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of this journey. Am I learning the lessons I am supposed to learn? Am I strong enough and prepared physically and mentally for this second round of chemo and a stem cell transplant? Is it working? Is my family ready to do this all again? The questions are endless and my emotions are riding a rollercoaster. My children can tell I am getting stronger because I am on top of checking on the chores and homework. I just feel such an urgency to prepare them for the next two months when I am not avaliable to keep things running. I even sorted the dreaded sock basket! Saturday evening I was able to attend the Adult sessions of our Stake Conference. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland spoke. It was so good! I felt like he was speaking directly to me. He titled his talk, "Hard Times" A few of the highlights were; *We are part of the plan that begin before the earth was formed. *God Lives and Loves each one of us. We are His children. *He knows the beginning from the end. *When hard times come don't bale out in the 2nd act. *Don't Panic. Broken things can be fixed. *Broken clouds bring rain and rain brings flowers. *God loves broken things. He can fix them. He loves broken hearts. He can fix them. I knew and believed in my heart before that these things were true, but it was so wonderful to hear them spoken so eloquently from an Apostle of the Lord. I am ever-so-slowly learning to replace the fear with faith and pray daily to do so. Elder Holland's closing remarks were, "We all must learn to replace fear with faith in our Heavenly Father and His plan for us." Once again he was speaking to me!


Rochelle said...

Thank you for sharing such an uplifting message. It seems like lately I am been hearing more of people struggling with different trials in their lives. Are times getting more difficult or am I just more aware of it? Maybe Heavenly Father is trying to prepare us by making us better and stronger. Just know that many are praying to give you strength.

Anonymous said...

As you prepare for your final push for the summit, know that while this is your own journey, you are not the first to make it to the top. Others have gone before you to ferret out the best routes, leaving behind rich caches of information, supplies and even proof that it is possible to complete the journey. Do not be afraid, for while it may seem lonely at the top, He is there too, watching, waiting, guiding, loving and supporting...every day, every hour, every minute. Hold on.

Karronj said...

Keep going Kris, you are doing awesome! The hardest part of the hill is right before the top, but it is the most rewarding as you reach the top and get to turn around and look at the path you conquered. We all know you can do it! We will continue to keep you in our thoughts and prayers. Just keep going!

Deborah said...

Thank you so much for writing that. I am grateful for your thoughts and for your example. What a gift that was to be able to hear Elder Holland speak those things to you. I'm sorry that you have to be back up at Huntsman right now; I'm sure there are a lot of other places you'd rather be! Try to take it one little moment at a time. When Cameron was really, really sick at Primary's, I remember sometimes needing to say a little prayer before I'd be able to get up off of the couch and walk across the room because even doing that seemed too overwhelming. I'm sure there is a lot that is overwhelming right now. Keep saying those little prayers and know that you are loved!

Monica said...

Hello, my friend, just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you tonight. When does the second round begin?

I'm gonna go beat on a bag tomorrow. I will pretend it is a cancer cell, and will clobber it to smitherines. One down...just a few more to go!

Love you. Praying for you. Hold on.

While I am at the bottom, I have my eyes focused on the summit, too...I can't wait to see you make it to the top of the peak! You look so small when you climb mountains, but really nothing has changed. It is all relative. You are as great as you ever were, though the landscape seems to change that. It is the same here, as you rise to the summit, you will feel as though you lie in a ditch. But remember - its about perspective - you are as great as you ever were. Big seems small, top seems like bottom.

Alice would be impressed...
Caterpillar: Who are YOU?
Alice: This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. I -- I hardly know, sir, just at present -- at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.

The Duchess:
I quite agree with you. And the moral of that is: Be what you would seem to be, or if you'd like it put more simply: Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.
Alice: And how do you know that you're mad?
The Cat: To begin with, a dog's not mad. You grant that?
Alice: I suppose so,
The Cat: Well, then, you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.

The Duchess: Be what you would seem to be -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.

Alice: I've had nothing yet, so I can't take more.
The Hatter: You mean you can't take less; it's very easy to take more than nothing.

The White Queen: Can you do addition? What's one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one?
Alice: I don't know. I lost count.

Alice: And how many hours a day did you do lessons?
The Mock Turtle: Ten hours the first day, nine the next, and so on.
Alice: What a curious plan!
The Gryphon: That's the reason they're called lessons, because they lessen from day to day.

Back to you...may you always be how we see you, and may your lessons lessen. Love you much. Wave to me from the top, and I will see you on the other side.

Fourteenth Year Cancerversary

              My husband and I at my 40th High School Reunion.                                                    Am I seriously that old?! ...