May 06, 2012

Giving In and Giving Up

Every few months or so I make the same stupid mistake. 
Sometimes I just get so frustrated with my poor health,
never ending infections and  PAIN,  that
I just decide to throw it all up.
I mean literally and figuratively!   

Lately I have been dealing with nausea from too many antibiotics
resulting in stomach aches and another ulcer. 
Also... My liver decided to quit functioning properly.

So a few weeks ago I had a liver biopsy. 
The Liver doctor inserted a long needle between the ribs
on my right side and pulled out a sample of tissue to be examined.
(it was not nearly as painful as I had imagined-thank goodness)

It's been over three long anxious weeks and
I still have not received any results. 
The nurse did tell me over the phone that it's not likely cancer
from the lab report she read (whew).
But still I must continue to wait! Very frustrating!!   

So to sum it all up.
I am sick of being sick! 
Yesterday I decided to quit. 
Instead of getting out my 2/day pill box filled with antibiotics,
pills for this side effect and another for
the side effect of that side effect,
as well as a host of vitamins and minerals,
I just gave up and threw the box up onto the shelf.
I tore off my pain patch and decided it was all in my head. 
Maybe the reason I am always tired, have no appetite and can't sleep
or can't sleep enough is just because of all these stupid drugs!
At 2am I woke up in PAIN.
It hurt from my toes up to my nose. My body was stiff and grating.
I managed to hobble to the bathroom to get a drink. "I can do this,"
I said giving myself a pep talk, I turned my iPod on,
plugged in my ear phones and forced myself to go back to sleep
 while listening to my " middle of the night, lull me to sleep music".

It finally worked for a couple hours
until the pain grew and gnawed me awake. 
I lay there gathering my thoughts and then
finally my strength to do what I had to do.   
I hobbled back to the bathroom pulled down my pill box,
and took the few most important pills including a pain pill. 
I grabbed a new pain patch and slapped it on my back.

I gave up and gave in. 
I gave up the idea that my poor health is all in my head. 
That the pain is just imagined,
and that because I am in cancer remission
 the effects of fighting it have disappeared.
They haven't.  
And I gave in to the fact that I can not do this on my own. 
That (as my husband says) "It is what it is." 
My body has pain and my body is still trying to heal.
I can not run away from that fact. 

I gave my pain and my problems up in prayer.       
I pleaded for strength and courage to continue.
I need medication. I need faith.
I need strength from my Father in Heaven.

When I quit fighting against the pain, and
give in to what I must do.
When I give up my pride in trying to do it all my own,
and lean on the Lord for help,
I gather the strength to continue
climbing this multiple myeloma mountain. 

Here is one of my favorite hymns.
"How Firm a Foundation"
3. Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.



Linda said...

My heart aches for all you have been through with MM. Thank you for pouring your heart out with such honesty. I have no doubt many can relate to your journey, I know EZ can. For someone who never took anything but an occasional Advil, having an AM/PM pill container and taking about 19 pills a day can be daunting. These include supplements and prescription medications, including three 60 mg. oxycontin a day, two Lyrica a day, one Celebrex a day and hydrocodone when he needs it all for some kind of pain. His doctors have helped him realize that this is life with MM, the pain is very real, and these medications allow him to live his life to the fullest. Without them, it can be unbearable, even though he is in complete response. I pray things will get better for you, and as you said, give it up to the Lord. May He give you the peace that passes all understanding, heal you and help you on this journey. Psalms 121:1-2 "I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; From whence shall my help come? My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth."

Stephen Greene said...

You write beautifully, Kris.
Every warrior, facing battle after battle with no respite confronts the insidious weariness that you push back against every day.
Be proud to reach for God... He is honored to comfort you. You who loves so intensely the gift of life that He breathed into your soul.
In doing so you continue to inspire those like me to reach beyond cynicism and doubt to feel a touch of your courage.

Anonymous said...

So heartfelt. Sometimes I feel I cannot go on like this and I want to give up. You tell it so well. Yes, we've got to lean on God for daily strength.

Carole Leigh said...

I am so sorry that you are having such a struggle. Please know that I care and will keep you in my prayers.
Carole Leigh

carolyn said...

So sorry you are struggling. I think of you often and hope that things will improve for you soon.

Rosemary said...

I'm so sorry Kris. It's hard when part of what got you through is the thought that "once I get through this I will be back to normal" only to find out that "normal" is LONG gone and not in any hurry to return.
I admire your late night "try to decide it's all in your head" experiment. It's always worth a shot, eh?

Fourteenth Year Cancerversary

              My husband and I at my 40th High School Reunion.                                                    Am I seriously that old?! ...