Sixteen Years-Life Goes On

Last Monday, October 28th, was just another day. I spent a busy day at work teaching High Schoolers. It is a race everyday to get everything done I need to. Teaching, grading, planning, and prepping. I feel energized while I am at school and love the interaction with students. It is when I get home that my energy wanes and I need a good hour of peace and quiet to rest and recover. I use to blame this all on cancer, now I think it is just my body growing older. But what was really unique about this day, was that it was just an ordinary day. Monday slipped by in complete insignificance of how my world was completely dumped upside down on that day 16 years ago. October 28, 2008 was the day I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma a rare blood cancer. How did that happen! How would I have reacted if I had known 16 years ago that I would get to a point where my life would be so full that all the pain and fear would dissipate so completely that it would no longer be constant in my thoughts. The longer I live, the more I recognize the miracle of my life and the blessings of good health, an amazing family, and the opportunity to grow old with the ones I love.

Joe and I on a weekend getaway to Salt Lake City for LDS General Conference

Taking the older grandkids on a hike to the top of a mountain in Wyoming. Thank Goodness our son came with us to help.

All 11 of the grandkids (one more is on the way in March!)

Me and my dear, sweet mom

Looking out the window of our new home There have been a lot of changes in my life over the past 16 years, but the one constant is the peace and comfort I feel from my Savior. I owe my life and deep gratitude to Him for all of the blessings which he has showered down upon me thoughout my life and especially over the past 16 years.

Fourteenth Year Cancerversary

              My husband and I at my 40th High School Reunion.                                                    Am I seriously that old?!

It has been fourteen years since I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma. The remarkable fact is that I am so busy living my life that the remarkable date passed without a thought. I go weeks now without even thinking about the years of intense pain, treatment, side effects, and the mental battles I faced as I examined my options and the genuine possibility that m life would be cut short.

I continue to post occasionally on this blog with the belief that I can offer hope to those who are presently dealing with those dark days and endless nights of treatment.

I am now 58 years old. Mother of 5 and grandmother of 9 with two more on the way!! I am in my eighth year of teaching high school. If that was not enough to keep me busy, I felt inspired to also start working on a graduate degree. I am halfway through an online program to earn a Master's Degree in Education. It has been a steep learning curve but I am gradually getting used to the intellectual rigor and learning so much!! The more I learn, the more I realize I don't know! I have no idea where this will lead me in my career but it has already improved my teaching abilities.

Life can get better and there is hope that your health may improve. I just had my bi-yearly labs and all my numbers are within the normal range. At my last visit with my oncologist, he told me that I was the sickest patient he had seen who is still alive without being on maintenance since the stem cell transplant and follow-up medication. I have to really sit with that thought to fully comprehend what a miracle that is.

My hope is that I can continue to learn, grow, and become a more faithful follower of Christ. He has granted me more time on this earth and I hope through His strength I can help others along the way.

Whether you are just beginning a difficult journey by looking at the mountain you have to climb, or standing at the top knowing that you made it but did not get there by yourself, please know that life is good and the Savior Jesus Christ knows and loves you. Look to Him and know that He will be by your side and strengthen you in your journey.

What I Needed Someone to Tell Me

 

Painting "Hinds Feet" by Daniel F. Gerhartz

Two women I know were diagnosed with cancer this week.  My heart goes out to them and my mind goes back to those dark days after diagnosis.  One of the hardest parts is the fear of not knowing what to expect.  There are so many questions.  Some which the doctors can answer, some which you don't even know how to ask, and many that can never be answered.

I have been thinking what I would have wanted someone to tell me when I was first diagnosed.  I had many family, and friends running to support me in the beginning.  I was somewhat embarrassed to have so much attention focused on me.  I didn't want to go anywhere for fear I would see someone I know and then have to explain everything and keep from breaking down. It took too much energy to be strong for everyone else.  

What I really needed was for someone to come to me who had already been in my shoes.  Although well meaning, I just didn't want to hear about someone's "cousin who died from the same cancer."  (Yes that happened, in front of my children!)  I desperately needed to hear from someone who had survived!  Who walked "through the valley of the shadow of death," and lived!  I wanted someone to tell me that they did it and I could too.  That it is possible that the prognosis, and Google, and research, and statistics, Do Not have to apply to me!  That believing that you will survive may help you do just that!

I wanted someone to be honest with me.  To tell me it is going to be tough but spare me from all the gory details unless I ask specifically about them.  To tell me some blessings that came through this trial and explain to me how to replace the constant fears with consistent faith.  

I needed someone to help me figure out how to drop my roles as a wife and mother and focus solely on preparing for the battle of my life.  Learning how to step back and let others take over the daily tasks of family life.

I needed someone to tell me that a cancer diagnosis is an opportunity to seek and rely on faith in God.  That He will send angels here on earth to carry and support you, and heavenly angels to bare you up in your dark days and painful nights.  And that peace can return to your life whether you are healed or not.

I am in a place now where I can be that messenger to people I know and to others I have never met. I hope that you may find an increase in faith and peace through your journey.

The Point of the Mountain

A Piece of Heaven

For the first time in 34 years my husband and I are both empty nesters! We are getting used to this new stage of life and have been on quite a few little trips this summer. Our favorite is the weekends we spend in Star Valley, Wyoming. In fact thats where I am now sitting in a camp chair listening to the birds chirp and the breeze blow through the pine and aspen trees. I wish I could bottle up the mountain air and take it home with me! Our kids and their familes come up often and we love watching the grandkids play with their cousins in the woods-just like I did as a child. I feel so blessed to be able to enjoy this little piece of heaven. My great grandparents helped settle this area. My grandfather was a sheep rancher with hundreds of acres of property, and my grandmother taught school. They left an amazing legacy to their 3 daughters one of whom is my mother. Their hard work, love of family, this land, and faith in God has strengthened me many times throughout my life. 

 We brought my 85 yr old mother up with us last week. She was raised here but married my father and They raised us in Utah They were both school teachers. My parents built a cabin here 40 years ago. It seemed so big then but the family has greatly outgrown it. Now the area around the cabin is filled with several trailers and tents during the summer. 

 As I was walking up the trail at the cabin last week with my mother, she mentioned how happy my grandfather would be to see his descendants using the land to spend time together as a family. His legacy continues. 

 I will continue to enjoy my time in this little piece of heaven for a few more weekends, but thoughts and plans for school are already creeping into my summer vacation. When I feel myself starting to stress about school preparations, I stop and remember a time a few years ago when this would not have been possible.

 My health and cancer diagnosis had left me with a bleak future. The treatments were tough and it took literally years to recover. But I recovered!! and am still doing well. Well enough to travel with my husband, enjoy this beautiful land, and pursue a career in education which I thought had passed me by. 

 I know this is not usually the case and my heart goes out to those who are struggling and those who never had the chance to recover. I do not take my good health lightly and thank God every day for this gift I have been given. I offer encouragement to those who are dealing with Multiple Myeloma and the treatments, side effects, and vast implications in every area of your life. There are possibilities of hope and healing, and new dreams for the future and my wish is that they will come to you,

Moving Mountains

Thoughts for Today

 

#GiveThanks

 Its been 12 Years since I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma!  Today I GIVE THANKS for my life and the many more years I have been given.  A few years ago I could not even dare to dream that I would not only live this long, but be healthy and strong.  

I owe my gratitude to my Savior who blesses me each day with good health,  an amazing family, and the Gospel of Jesus Christ which gives me peace and hope.  

Finding Peace this Sunday

As I gather with my family and prepare for the next few weeks of quarantine, this song has been running through my mind.  I teach children in my local LDS congregation.  Last year we learned this song together.  I loved it from the first time I heard it.  We have all weathered the storms of life, whether it be financial difficulties, family and relationship struggles, or sickness and poor health, but rarely has the whole world faced the same storm together.  Today has been set aside as a day of prayer in the U.S.  My prayer is that we may all find true and lasting Peace in Christ.

A Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with the First Step"

Still Alive and Kicking-11 years with MM

 “A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.”  My journey in martial arts began a “thousand miles” ago in 1997 when I donned a crisp white uniform and belt. This journey has had many winding roads, starts and stops.

    I was excited to join my husband and three children and start on the path my family had begun.  However it was short-lived as two more children joined our family and my green belt was set aside.

  Over the years I watched each of our five children rise through the ranks. I dreamed of practicing and testing along with each one of them, but as the responsibilities of being a full-time mother, part-time business owner grew, this dream faded into the background and I hung up my yellow belt.

Martial arts has been a big part of our family and has made a lasting impact on our family culture.  No matter the age of each of our children, they all had something in common with one another. It was wonderful to find an activity where everyone could be involved.  “The family that kicks together sticks together,” seemed to be our family motto.

I attended many rank tests and tournaments over the years as I supported my husband and children through their journeys.  At one point I was practicing enough to enter a tournament. I remember entering in the women’s 18-34 sparring competition.  I was 34 and my first opponent was 18. It was not pretty and I ended up on the floor and at the chiropractor the next day. But it was thrilling to actually compete instead of being on the sidelines.  However, life with a busy family once again took priority and I hung up my blue belt. 

Weapons form to the song "Survivor"

My journey came to a crashing halt in 2008 when I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma; cancer of the bone marrow.  I immediately begin treatment including two stem cell transplants and three years of chemotherapy and maintenance medications.  My life, goals, and dreams for the future were all put on hold with the real possibility that my life would be cut short. I dealt with extreme fatigue, intense bone pain, kidney and liver damage, cataracts, and a myriad of other side effects.  It took many years to recover. Although Multiple Myeloma is incurable I have been blessed with the gradual return of good health. I am one of the lucky few.  

     Five years ago my oldest son asked if I would be willing to help him at Maple Mountain Arts studio which he owned on main street.  I began helping out with new students and office tasks. My energy level was just returning and some days it would take all that I could muster to make it down to the studio for a few hours but it was a blessing to have some responsibility and a place to gently recover.

      As my health returned my goals and dreams for the future came back into focus.  I began teaching four years ago at the Jr. High, and am now teaching full time at the High School.  Although I was busy with a new career the thought of earning a blackbelt once again became a possibility.  

    So with some persuasion and encouragement from my husband and son I once again donned a uniform, dug up my old blue belt and started over, re-learning the forms.  I was feeling old, out of shape, and very hesitant but I was back on my journey and decided I would just take it one step at a time.  

    This journey has been tough! Everything is a challenge from memorizing forms, stretching out limbs, to learning to punch, block and kick with a class full of teenagers-some of whom I have taught in school.

Me and my sparring partner, grappling buddy, and daughter-in-law

I have been so fortunate to continue on this last leg of my journey with my daughter-in-law.  We have vented to each other after a tough class, laughed until we cried as we learned to grapple, and encouraged each other to keep going when it was tempting to quit.  

The closer I get to the end of this journey, the more I realize that a black belt means so much more to me than learning to kick and punch.  It is about overcoming.  

Overcoming the limitations of the past.  Overcoming physical challenges and poor health. Overcoming the barriers we set for ourselves about, age, skill level, and past experiences.  It’s about overcoming excuses. There have been many moments on this journey when I have thought about quitting, and many times when the possibility of giving up this journey seemed inevitable.  

     Life has thrown me some pretty good reasons to walk away from this goal but the chance to join my husband and children in the rank of black belt has driven me to continue this journey.  To overcome the challenges put in my path and to relish this opportunity to realize my dream that began a “thousand miles ago.”   

The chance to join my family as a black belt finally became a reality!

So grateful for the love and support from my family!

       

10th Cancerversary!

Happy Canceversary to me!  It has been 10 years today since I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma!
My treatment included high doses of chemotherapy,  Melphalan, Velcade, Thalidomide, Revelomid, and two stem cell transplants.  This kicked me down to "barely breathing," but kicked Myeloma into a "Complete Response."   I was on Maintenance medication for about 4 years and have slowly regained my strength since then.  I continue to do blood tests and lab work every three months and scans and a bone marrow biopsy once a year.

To celebrate 10 years my family gathered in Salt Lake City with the LLS "Light the Night" event.
It was wonderful to have my whole family (minus two babies) together reflecting on this journey and rejoicing in LIFE!

34 years together and counting!!!!

                                           

We wore stickers saying, "Kelly's Kicking Cancer since 2008"

                       
                     

                                                               

I feel healthy and strong and try to keep cancer on the "back burner," where it can't take over my thoughts or negatively affect the day to day decisions I make.  I am a full-time teacher, wife, mother, and grandmother and I have so much to be thankful for!
So the big question is, am I cured?  Unfortunately there is no cure YET for Myeloma but good things are happening in the Myeloma research field and also in patient research.
                    Life is Good!

  Healthtree.org is a website and patient research platform that was created by a Myeloma patient and her husband right here in Utah.  Through patients sharing their specific types of mm and treatments with other myeloma patients and doctors around the world, researchers are able to find what works and why it works and then treat patients with the right treatment for their specific type of Myeloma.  This simple, free website uses the power of the internet to share useful information with each other instead of trying to reinvent the wheel with each new patient.

 I don't know why I have been so lucky at this point to be celebrating 10 years with no maintenance medications beyond my initial treatment but if others can learn from my experiences, I am glad to help.  Please check out this website and see what can be possible by sharing information.

Eight Years!

 
 It has been eight years ago today since I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma.
October 29,  2008 will forever be etched in my memory as the day that changed the course of my life. 
    On the one hand, it was as if a bomb had exploded, taking away my health, shredding my future, and destroying my hope.  But on the other hand this is the day that my journey began, and I cannot erase the dark painful days without giving up  the miracles and blessings that have come about while climbing this Myeloma Mountain.
     It has been eight years!  Four years longer than my first prognosis.  
    I am healthy and strong!  My lab results show no signs of Myeloma.  Is it gone?  Will it come back? I don't know.  But I am going to ride this wave as long as possible and maybe mm won't crash back into my life again.  I can't ask the "what if's" anymore.  Instead today is a time to reflect and share some of the miracles and blessings I have received during this journey.

Spending time with my family in
Star Valley, Wyoming
(7 new family members since diagnosis,
and a new daughter in law, and a
grand baby--both coming in May.)

Spencer, my youngest, just starting his
 Senior year of High School!
He was 10 when I was diagnosed:(

Trent and Lys are getting married in May.
Aren't they cute!

      

These kids are my amazing, wonderful,
crazy grandchildren!
(Eight years ago I wondered if I would
ever get to be a grandmother. )

 I started back up in Martial Arts.
It took a while for my body and brain
 to get back in shape!
My son Tyler and I after my
 senior brown test.
I have slacked off the last
several months
 because
 this
 happened........

I got a teaching job!
After graduating 25 years
 ago in
Family and Consumer Science
 Education,
I finally get to teach!
I am teaching
7th, 8th, and 9th grade.
It is CHALLENGING, HARD, and EXHAUSTING.
and
 I am loving it.
Besides Junior High Kids can't scare me, I've had cancer!

This is what I believe!

To my father, my brother, my mother-in-law, my grandparents, and many other family members and friends.  This is what I believe!

On Top Of The World!

    It has been six and a half years since I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma.  Three and a half years since I finished treatment and maintenance, and 7 months since I was finally able to get off all pain medication.  Over the past several months I have felt new life and energy returning to my body!   

  

          On Top of the World

 It feels so good to feel so good!   No pain! No fatigue!  No treatment!  I actually have energy!!  I wake up every morning excited to start a new day.  Believe it or not, I actually get excited to clean my house (my son is thrilled!)

Last week the opportunity came to hike the "Y." This is a large painted letter Y. It is made of concrete and is 380 feet high and 130 feet wide near the top of the mountain 

above Brigham Young University.

  

 This popular hike is not very long but it is fairly steep with 12 different switchbacks rising over 1000ft in elevation. Even though I had a cold, I jumped at the opportunity to check this off my "bucket list." I was lucky to have two of my sons come with me.

      I had no idea how much this hike would affect me when I started out early Tuesday morning.

With each step, memories of my past "mountain climbing" experiences with Multiple Myeloma came flooding into my mind and occasionally dripping down my cheeks. I recalled a post I wrote on January 12, 2009 titled, "Shaking out my Shoes."

Many of the feelings and thoughts I had when I started this journey were vividly symbolized with each step I took up "Y" mountain.  I recalled these words;

    "Sometimes when you climb mountains you have to take time out to sit down in the dirt and shake the rocks, pebbles, and sand out of your shoes. Sometimes while I am climbing this mountain I have to "shake out my shoes," with a box of kleenex by my side. This is a pretty steep mountain and there are times when I don't feel like taking another step. Sometimes this upward climb becomes more of a mental than a physical challenge."

      This trek was harder than I had envisioned and my view of the "Y" disappeared within the first few hundred feet of the hike.  It wasn't long before I had to stop, catch my breath, and take a sip of water.  The higher I climbed, the harder my heart started beating and the more often I had to stop and rest along the trail.  I watched young children and older adults pass me with ease.   I had to remind myself this isn't a race and I am not competing with anyone else on the trail but myself.

       As the incline increased I grabbed onto the strap of one of my son's backpack.  I found this helped keep me moving a little further between breaks.  Eventually I hooked my elbows between both my sons and hiked up the rest of the path to our destination.  We were rewarded with a beautiful view of the valley.  I was overcome with emotion that I was able to accomplish something that a few years ago I thought might never happen.  I was overwhelmed with gratitude that my body has healed and my life has been blessed with more time to enjoy with my friends and family.

     I once again realized that I can't climb my mountain alone.  Just as I a leaned on my sons to help me climb to the "Y," -my family, friends, and my faith in God help me keep going.  I can't compare myself to others and where they are on the trail.  Their steep places are not mine and the rocks that I may stumble on and grow from may be a "walk in the park," for them.  

      Sometimes I can't see where a path will lead or when a trial/trail may end.  That is the time when I need to stop, take a drink of water, gather strength from those around me and take another step knowing that God is bigger than any mountain I may have to climb and with His help no matter what challenges any of us face if we are willing to keep moving upward He will bless us.  

By the way I'm writing this from the hospital.  I had labs, a PET scan, and now an Aredia (bone hardening) infusion.  I have had plenty of time to write.  After waiting a half hour for the medication to come from the pharmacy, the nurse started the two hour infusion and the pump started beeping 30 minutes later.  When she came over to check it out, she stepped in a puddle of Aredia dripping off of the tube by my recliner.  Apparently she had forgotten to hook up the line and I was just getting saline.  So she had to order it again. She was embarrassed, but no harm done as long as I don't have to pay for that puddle!  Four hours later I'm finally headed home just in time for rush hour traffic.  
Gotta love it.  It makes for an interesting day to what has become my three/six month routine.

Merry Christmas!

   As Christmas approaches, I want to take this opportunity to give an update on how I am doing and reflect on my life over the past several years.  I wish I could take a magic wand and wave it over me six years ago filling me with the knowledge of the future I am living today.

    My future was looking pretty grim as I received the diagnosis of Multiple Myeloma filling 80-90% of my bone marrow.  The prognosis did not look  promising.  

    I began treatment by preparing for a stem cell transplant just a few weeks before Christmas.   Then spent a year undergoing chemo, tandem transplants, and powerful steroids that all completely wiped me out.  The fun continued over the next two years with more medications and a weak immune system.

    Everyday was a challenge to stay positive,  live in the present, and learn to rely on the countless kind and generous acts of my family, friends, and my faith.  When you are in the middle of the dark tunnel  it is hard to stayed focused on the light at the end. There were many days I honestly never thought it would get better.  Then gradually, with out me hardly noticing, my health has slowly improved!  I actually can go several days without even thinking about cancer!!  I never imagined that was possible six years ago.

    Has my health returned to normal? No. Although my labs continue to improve, I still have some lowered kidney function,  a lower than normal immune system, and some lingering nerve pain.  

    I used to be in constant pain and on lots of medications.  I have managed to decrease my pain meds to the lowest possible dose, and my daily medications are almost down to normal.  

    I try to live everyday with gratitude in my heart.  I have been so blessed!  I know far too many who began on this mm path about the same time as I who are no longer alive, in remission, or are struggling to gain their health back.

   I will never know why I got cancer, or why it is now in remission and my health is returning.  I also don’t know how long, or if this remission will last.  But I do know I don’t want to waste this experience.  I know that there are many things I have learned and will continue to learn and grow from, from having lived through this life and death journey.

    I am a stronger person.  I am learning that I have the ability to decide how I choose to live my life.  I am learning to get rid of the, “I should's and I have to's,” and instead dwell on the, “I choose to's.”   Much of the busyness of the past have slid off my plate.  I am learning to replace them with things of more lasting value.  I am by no means perfect at this, but I know that cancer was a catalyst in examining and changing my life for the better.

    One of the new blessings in my life, has been  the opportunity to be involved in my church.  I am helping  in the Relief Society of my LDS (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) ward.  This is a voluntary women’s organization in my local area.  It is amazing how good I feel when I am serving others and have a purpose which reaches beyond myself.

     My husband continues to be my rock.  He has a tough job with lots of responsibilities and has had some of his own challenges over the past few years.  He still manages to keep this ship afloat!

     My family is growing.  Our oldest son and his wife just welcomed their third child into the family.  Beautiful little Violet joined her 4yr old sister and 2 yr old busy brother on December third.   

     Our daughter and her husband built a home about five miles away.  Their jobs,  school, and a busy two year old daughter keeps them on their toes.

     Our next son was married last January and I gained another daughter! They are both juggling work and school.

   I am so lucky to have all my married kids live close by.  The best part is getting to see and tend my grandkids regularly.  Being a grandmother is one of the greatest blessings in my life!

  Our third son is serving an LDS mission in West Virginia.  He left last July and will return home July of 2016.  Two years is along time for this mom, but I do this with faith in God that he will be able to serve, teach, and turn the hearts of the people to Christ.

I cherish his emails each week.  It is amazing to watch the growth that is taking place in his life as well as those he teaches.  I get to talk to him on Christmas.  Can’t wait.

    Our youngest son is still at home.  He is a sophomore in high school.  I am so glad I get to be involved in his life.  He is such a good kid.  

    With the exception of our missionary, our whole family will be getting together for Christmas eve.  Music, games, dinner, and our own nativity.  I better get off the computer and start checking off my list!

   I am so THANKFUL to be here! To feel well enough to enjoy my family, and to celebrate Christmas together.   I love Christmas and the opportunity to reflect on the birth of my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I know that His life neither began in Bethlehem nor concluded on the cross.  That He lives today!  That because of His life and atonement I can have peace in my life and hope for the future no matter what may come.  Because of Him I know that their is a purpose and a plan in all of our lives, and we all have the opportunity to live with Him again.

     Merry Christmas and may the New Year bring you love and peace!

Great Views

               The sun has been shining over the past several weeks and

I just wanted to post something a little brighter

than my previous post.

The weather is beautiful and the last few weekends

 have brought our family a chance to work in

our yard and garden.



Even Tabitha helped water the tomatoes.

We planted 300  tomato plants as well as onions, peppers, watermelons,
catalops, beets, peas, radishes,
 beans,raspberries and I'm sure there are more I have forgotten. 
My son-in-law and two sons plan on selling most of the
 produce at the local Farmer's Market.

Kirby and Zoey enjoyed the outdoors too,

Here are a "few good men outstanding in their field."

Trent always works better while listening to a few good tunes
 on his headphones.
See the blue beehive in the background? 
That's the new home of 30,000 bees
 thanks to my son-in-law and
another one of his new hobbies.

Eggs anyone?

What a great life I have!
The views from
 the top
 of my mountain
 are amazing!

I am learning to live joyfully in the moment!

Giving In and Giving Up

Every few months or so I make the same stupid mistake. 
Sometimes I just get so frustrated with my poor health,
never ending infections and  PAIN,  that
I just decide to throw it all up.
I mean literally and figuratively!   

Lately I have been dealing with nausea from too many antibiotics
resulting in stomach aches and another ulcer. 
Also... My liver decided to quit functioning properly.

So a few weeks ago I had a liver biopsy. 
The Liver doctor inserted a long needle between the ribs
on my right side and pulled out a sample of tissue to be examined.
(it was not nearly as painful as I had imagined-thank goodness)

It's been over three long anxious weeks and
I still have not received any results. 
The nurse did tell me over the phone that it's not likely cancer
from the lab report she read (whew).
But still I must continue to wait! Very frustrating!!   

So to sum it all up.
I am sick of being sick! 
Yesterday I decided to quit. 
Instead of getting out my 2/day pill box filled with antibiotics,
pills for this side effect and another for
the side effect of that side effect,
as well as a host of vitamins and minerals,
I just gave up and threw the box up onto the shelf.
I tore off my pain patch and decided it was all in my head. 
Maybe the reason I am always tired, have no appetite and can't sleep
or can't sleep enough is just because of all these stupid drugs!
     
At 2am I woke up in PAIN.
It hurt from my toes up to my nose. My body was stiff and grating.
I managed to hobble to the bathroom to get a drink. "I can do this,"
I said giving myself a pep talk, I turned my iPod on,
plugged in my ear phones and forced myself to go back to sleep
 while listening to my " middle of the night, lull me to sleep music".

It finally worked for a couple hours
until the pain grew and gnawed me awake. 
I lay there gathering my thoughts and then
finally my strength to do what I had to do.   
I hobbled back to the bathroom pulled down my pill box,
and took the few most important pills including a pain pill. 
I grabbed a new pain patch and slapped it on my back.

I gave up and gave in. 
I gave up the idea that my poor health is all in my head. 
That the pain is just imagined,
and that because I am in cancer remission
 the effects of fighting it have disappeared.
They haven't.  
And I gave in to the fact that I can not do this on my own. 
That (as my husband says) "It is what it is." 
My body has pain and my body is still trying to heal.
I can not run away from that fact. 

I gave my pain and my problems up in prayer.       
I pleaded for strength and courage to continue.
I need medication. I need faith.
I need strength from my Father in Heaven.

When I quit fighting against the pain, and
give in to what I must do.
When I give up my pride in trying to do it all my own,
and lean on the Lord for help,
I gather the strength to continue
climbing this multiple myeloma mountain. 

Here is one of my favorite hymns.
"How Firm a Foundation"
3. Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

words and music here